changed my password. it's better to keep my thoughts by myself, rather than expressing it to someone who will just give comments that will give my heart more pain..
para kang nagkwento sa kaibigan na sa halip na makinig nalang eh nagbigay pa ng comments na hindi nakatulong. gahh. this is worst.
okay removed privacy to authors too..
worst man..
i did not make this blog just to be more in pain, but to express my thoughts, at dahil dun napapatawad ko lahat ng tao, napapatawad ko sarili ko.. pagkatapos ko isulat yung mga malulungkot na bagay, kadalasan nawawala na ung bigat ng nararamdaman ko, dahil parang nagsabi na din ako sa isang kaibigan, na wala ako, kaya dito ko nalang nilalagay. ang kaso, ano nangyari, mas lalo pa lumala dahil sa may nakakabasa, na hindi nakatulog, bagkus lalo pa naging pabigat, na parang binalik lahat ng bigat na nararamdaman ko galing sa sinulat ko..
well, gonna keep this blog personal.. again, and i will post my rants and everything here, just to clear my heart, and not expecting to have any advises nor comments in return.
i will be stronger. alone.
~A magical dreamworld beyond reality..♥
Monday, December 30, 2013
Scars
i really felt bad that day because of cough and colds, masama talaga pakiramdam ko nun pero pinilit ko lumabas.. thought that it would be a nice day tho.. the day went well, despite the ill feeling, i managed to stand myself and let things pass.. yet we were happy that day, went shopping, had a date, ate delicious foods.. yea despite the ill feeling.
as i thought..
but then tho, everything was ruined as the day ended..
got at the terminal late because of christmas season traffic, had waited a veryyyyyyyy long time.. still, having the sickness, plus nervousness, plus fear, plus unsure, plus everything bad you can think of. makes me want to burst in tears and complain to the world just like a baby having tantrums. makes me want to do magic and teleport to home, or time travel para lang di mangyari yun. i just really want to escape that dilemma. i even came to the state na naisip ko na mas mabuti pa mamatay nalang ako kesa manatili dun.. but no, i cannot do everything about it, so we waited, waited and waited, good thing, i have you beside me, to still somehow make my mind at peace..
having all that weight that i feel, my attitude was tweaked and only complained about things, felt badtrip and said a lot of stupid things, blamed everything which is actually my fault.. so sorry about that.. i do still appreciate his relaxed and peaceful mind, his temper for me that he can even make me feel relaxed too..
though..
something happened because of my stupidity and carelessness, yea whatever
and we went blah! he was not talking to me.. my fault though, sorry..
seriously..
seriously though.. i felt really painful on how he treated me then. having all that feelings.
am i really the girl that is supposed to be treated by guys that way, like before..
like how that stupid banini treated me,
when he left me alone in the jeep, pinagtitinginan ng tao, made me follow him, is that really how a gentleman should act? guys do not how a girl feels pag ginagawa sakanila yun, or specifically me, look, i am beyond emotional and very weak unlike other girls, i lack strength and cry easily. i have a very weak heart that easily give up on things. so please, take care of my heart..
i dunno where did i took my strength that day way before, to actually follow that stupid gay, and actually swallowed my whole pride like there's nothing left for me anymore just to gain his forgiveness.. apologize to things that were not my fault.. being left alone by a so-called "boyfriend"? just because of some very stupid reason that i did not get to accept his stupid headset?! like wtf.
and another painful thing that stupid did,
it was a very happy stupid anniversary then, i alarmed my clock to twelve midnight that day, just to stupidly greet him a stupid happy effin' anniversary.. that was stupidly sweet my dear. so then i texted him, did not get any replies, then got back to sleep.. as i woke up, expecting to have a back greet, but no.. none ahaha. waited.. thinking that he's still sleeping.. waited until twelve noon, just to find out that.. he was doing laundry that morning.. wait. seriously, is it that hard to reply to my text to just have a greet or something. it was not an ordinary day but a "special" day, whatever, to be treated like that.. it was really painful.
am i really the girl to be treated such a way, to be forced to stay awake late at night, having morning classes the next day, while him, sleeping the whole the day.. dude, are you gonna make me your wife just to have a yaya that will cook you lunch and give you what you want and satisfy your stupid fantasies... hell NO.
well enough for that rant about that stupid gay, the only thing why i opened that is, the feelings were not there anymore, yet, the pain or scar on my heart is still in here.. kept. like i would want to get rid of it and throw away all those painful memories. but just like a scar, it would stay as a scar and will not heal forever. wish there's a contractubex for the heart.
well back to the present..
he. officially made a scar to my heart, just like those stated before.. not as bad and stupid as before though,
uhmm, he was not talking to me then, and i feel so awkward to say any word or something, so we stayed quiet while waiting.. still, feeling really ill and sweaty given the temperature around the place. the feeling of fear and sickness raises as the time goes by, and the worst thing is that i cannot do anything about it.
i am still feeling the same weight.. but no more peaceful and relaxed mind... it then made me burst into tears, fell into his left shoulder which is not even offered to me, which is not for me nor my possession..
it was really really really painful. being ignored by someone you love is nothing more painful than anything else. my tears continue to fell down, as ignored. my tears are precious before. i dunno why it became like this.. it was my first time to be ignored while crying in front of a guy. it felt like i do not own any value..
anyway..
what's done is done. that was one of the worst day of my life.. and similar to my past experiences from the stupid gay. though, it will remain as a scar for the rest of my life.. and i wish that this would be my last rant about those painful memories... please handle my heart with care.
as i thought..
but then tho, everything was ruined as the day ended..
got at the terminal late because of christmas season traffic, had waited a veryyyyyyyy long time.. still, having the sickness, plus nervousness, plus fear, plus unsure, plus everything bad you can think of. makes me want to burst in tears and complain to the world just like a baby having tantrums. makes me want to do magic and teleport to home, or time travel para lang di mangyari yun. i just really want to escape that dilemma. i even came to the state na naisip ko na mas mabuti pa mamatay nalang ako kesa manatili dun.. but no, i cannot do everything about it, so we waited, waited and waited, good thing, i have you beside me, to still somehow make my mind at peace..
having all that weight that i feel, my attitude was tweaked and only complained about things, felt badtrip and said a lot of stupid things, blamed everything which is actually my fault.. so sorry about that.. i do still appreciate his relaxed and peaceful mind, his temper for me that he can even make me feel relaxed too..
though..
something happened because of my stupidity and carelessness, yea whatever
and we went blah! he was not talking to me.. my fault though, sorry..
seriously..
seriously though.. i felt really painful on how he treated me then. having all that feelings.
am i really the girl that is supposed to be treated by guys that way, like before..
like how that stupid banini treated me,
when he left me alone in the jeep, pinagtitinginan ng tao, made me follow him, is that really how a gentleman should act? guys do not how a girl feels pag ginagawa sakanila yun, or specifically me, look, i am beyond emotional and very weak unlike other girls, i lack strength and cry easily. i have a very weak heart that easily give up on things. so please, take care of my heart..
i dunno where did i took my strength that day way before, to actually follow that stupid gay, and actually swallowed my whole pride like there's nothing left for me anymore just to gain his forgiveness.. apologize to things that were not my fault.. being left alone by a so-called "boyfriend"? just because of some very stupid reason that i did not get to accept his stupid headset?! like wtf.
and another painful thing that stupid did,
it was a very happy stupid anniversary then, i alarmed my clock to twelve midnight that day, just to stupidly greet him a stupid happy effin' anniversary.. that was stupidly sweet my dear. so then i texted him, did not get any replies, then got back to sleep.. as i woke up, expecting to have a back greet, but no.. none ahaha. waited.. thinking that he's still sleeping.. waited until twelve noon, just to find out that.. he was doing laundry that morning.. wait. seriously, is it that hard to reply to my text to just have a greet or something. it was not an ordinary day but a "special" day, whatever, to be treated like that.. it was really painful.
am i really the girl to be treated such a way, to be forced to stay awake late at night, having morning classes the next day, while him, sleeping the whole the day.. dude, are you gonna make me your wife just to have a yaya that will cook you lunch and give you what you want and satisfy your stupid fantasies... hell NO.
well enough for that rant about that stupid gay, the only thing why i opened that is, the feelings were not there anymore, yet, the pain or scar on my heart is still in here.. kept. like i would want to get rid of it and throw away all those painful memories. but just like a scar, it would stay as a scar and will not heal forever. wish there's a contractubex for the heart.
well back to the present..
he. officially made a scar to my heart, just like those stated before.. not as bad and stupid as before though,
uhmm, he was not talking to me then, and i feel so awkward to say any word or something, so we stayed quiet while waiting.. still, feeling really ill and sweaty given the temperature around the place. the feeling of fear and sickness raises as the time goes by, and the worst thing is that i cannot do anything about it.
i am still feeling the same weight.. but no more peaceful and relaxed mind... it then made me burst into tears, fell into his left shoulder which is not even offered to me, which is not for me nor my possession..
it was really really really painful. being ignored by someone you love is nothing more painful than anything else. my tears continue to fell down, as ignored. my tears are precious before. i dunno why it became like this.. it was my first time to be ignored while crying in front of a guy. it felt like i do not own any value..
anyway..
what's done is done. that was one of the worst day of my life.. and similar to my past experiences from the stupid gay. though, it will remain as a scar for the rest of my life.. and i wish that this would be my last rant about those painful memories... please handle my heart with care.
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