yeah.

I'm only worth 20 minutes a week. Great. That's cool.

Change

wala na talaga eh, dibale na..
maguumpisa nalang siguro ako mag move-on..

balang araw makakahanap din ako ng ibang lalake na mapapangasawa ko,
yun nalang iisipin ko..


cried again after a long time
sayonara

Life update, Sheeps

At this point of our lives, it seems that everything is now falling out..

Today is our 1.5th anniversary. and it's like he doesn't know it. Hahaha.. well im tired of having the excitement to greet when there's no something special about it. I always have that urge before, until now too, but i chose not to.. besides we ended up yesterday in a shit and started this day with still a shit..

it seems like i'm all tired of all these things.. all those on and off emotions, all those feelings of upset over things that i don't get but i claim mine, happiness that are often temporary, joy that is completely forgotten, heart that became closed, brain that became unreasonable..

Last night before i sleep, i took a look at my blog..
for the nth time, i kicked his ass outta here. haha, like i said before, this is getting boring and there's no more interaction.. i miss those times when he write about things with full emotion. that has only happened once lol
so i read a few latest entries like my New Year's Resolution, and evaluated it now.. to be honest those are really hard resolutions and it's just not a temporary change bu a life change. i admit that it has been very hard for me to do that and i don't think if i had done it already hahaha.. T___T so 1-3 is a NO (lol) until i read the fourth one, which is the easiest i think- but still hard tho..

i think, a part of this has changed me. evaluating my life this year, i realized that i cry less now. i don't cry over stupid things now like i always do before, i became stronger, i think.. i have lessen the tears, i have lessen being hurt. i have lessen jealousy?, i have lessen the care!, i have lessen the uke, i have lessen the envy :)
instead.. i think, this is still no good. i have lessen all those things, but it became a big negativity now. a big anger now. a big pride, a big rage.. T__T
it's like i rage about all those things that affects me little, i became somehow bipolar. :/ and that made me produce the things that i am now tired of. realizing that, i only created all those things.. i miss my simple life before, where there's a little bit of everything.
Before, i do not let my rage out.. i cry it out instead.. i pour it out on other things not by saying it all, i pour it out by actions, like, by punching it out to the wall.. remember before when we do not fight at all- when we used to be proud of saying "hindi pa tayo nagaaway" simula umpisa, because it was just me receiving all the hurt and "forgetting" it, crying it alone, punching it to the wall, let the rage out all by myself. but it's not as easy as that. it was insane. To be honest is is more easier now. to let rage go out from me- to us- to our relationship.. it feels good though compared to before.. like i said, it made me not cry anymore, not punch the wall anymore, not destructing our picture anymore (which was nearly torn out before haha), but i still do not know which is better- to create a fuss about simple things that would just create an argument or releasing it by actions.. both things will affect a big part of something, affect us, my outer relationship with people whom i love for the former, and affect my inner relationship or relationship with myself that i might just go insane, with the latter. but it seems it was more simple before than how it is now..

that was what he said when i asked about falling out.

So last night, i wrote the first half of this while laying on the bed.. as i went to sleep i realized something..
something that reveals what i really want after all.
that All i want is change. i want my life to change.. whether outdoor, indoor, relationship or anything.. all i want is change, should it be to go outside everyday or do activities everyday, anything, i wanted to be busy, i want change, and that somehow explains why i want to go out of this relationship, without knowing what to do next if that happens.. it's because i want change and i think it is just the available thing now that's why i keep on doing that. T__T i feel so imbecile :<
and realized too that all those on and off emotions, all those feelings of upset over things that i don't get but i claim mine, happiness that are often temporary, joy that is completely forgotten, heart that became closed, brain that became unreasonable.. are the things that i'm tired of and things that i wanted to get away out of my peaceful life.. not the relationship. and i was just thinking that ending the relationship would solve that problem.. although it may.. but it's not the best solution.


If i had community to socialize with, activities that will keep me busy and will keep me away from you that will make me miss you, would it still be like this?
if no, then carry on. lol
if yes, then give up.. or find more better solutions :)

i think it's just the way how it is......


my life is a big fault now


P.S. ang sakit ng ulo ko kakapigil ng luha lam mo yun, haha

ugh.

cry bitch.


this blog is getting kinda boring. there's no more interaction. thinking of putting this down..
we're falling anyway

Depressed

This made me really down. wtf. bakit hindi manlang nagbigay ng chance. i was looking forward to this.. ang daya :'( para san pa jobstreet. bakit ang daya, ang tagal ko to iniintay tapos wala pala, hindi man lang sila nagbigay ng chance para dto. ano to. nakakainis >__< it made me cry instantly. i hate this life. kill me now.. T__T

i want to die.
crying while writing this

New Year's Resolution, Tweets

well, uhhh..

i should now be used to writing that is not for somebody.

well Happy New Year blog! it's kinda a week now since the 1st, but i just want to write my new year's resolution just to make sure i'll do it. or whatever..
so, as i tweeted, i don't make new year's resolution before.. but now, gonna make one. just trying!
since i'm like, workless now, i made a new years resolution for it, or rather for making myself stronger and better.

1. INCREASE MY SELF ESTEEM
my first new year's resolution would be to increase my self esteem, and self confidence as well. i always have a very low self esteem and i can't face anyone without an awkward feeling. i have always been a socially awkward person which makes me look like childish and immature. this year, as for my resolution, i will (try to) be a matured person, alone, and increase my confidence and try to face people with a pride~ teehee

2. TRY TO BE INDEPENDENT
i have always been a dependent person. :( when i was a kid, my mom accompanies me whenever i go. since then, i became dependent to her.. that trait remained until college, i cannot do things alone, cannot make a decision alone, and always rely on my friends.. let them talk for me and let them ask a senior for me. after graduating college, i got edmarck, which became my saviour in all those 'independent' missions. haha. i guess i had never done a thing alone..

3. STEP OUT OF MY COMFORT ZONE
i am not good at this. this is hard for me.. i have read that magical things like success happens outside the comfort zone. i guess it's good there.. look, i never never like never happily tried to step out of my comfort zone. i don't want to try new things. i usually end up being embarrassed or something.. but, this was the reason why i did not apply on other companies before, and took which is already there.. relying things on destiny... but see, based on experience, it did not turn out well. i guess i should learn to try new things out of my beloved comfort zone.

4. TRY TO BE STRONGER
it is impossible for me not to be a crybaby anymore. so instead, my resolution would be try to be a stronger person. it does not mean that i lessen my tears, but to lessen being hurt. lessen the jealousy, lessen the anger, lessen the care, lessen the uke (haha), lessen the envy, lessen the pride.. nuff said.

yaay~ so that's gonna be my 2014 New Year's resolution!~ huehuehue




gonna write more here tomo abt the otaku thingy and jealousy thingy and mysterious tweets.. headache now. gonna sleep. zzzzz

~

ahahaaaaaaay. balang araw mawawalan din ako ng oras sayo. ahahaha. tables will change. and you will feel what i feel today.