Y U NO post, lemme not post, XD

wooow, i have a blogpost, cool XD hmm, sorry, this post will be wordy but speaks only the truth. blogging diary-like is too feminine for me but i don't know i just posted a blogpost that's almost like that. feeling ko kasi hindi ko nasabi lahat sayo po ng harapan, baka dito mabanggit ko lahat. i'll be very open here. i will tell everything, EVERYTHING! walang pacute dito, katotohanan lamang. hmm, game? hehe..

march 08, 2012, that night was extremely different from any other days. i felt unexplainable emotions and feelings which i haven't felt before. yes, it was very different. i don't know why it felt like that and i don't even know if that day did great or it ruined everything. I'm too confused. now, i still feel sick just like what i am feeling before we went home. before i slept, i thought i was going to catch colds and have fever which did not happened but i am still feeling that now. this is totally different of me.

so, lets start. hmm, first i asked you a question, but i wasn't able to speak. but i think, i can ask you that, i was just too shy. some minutes passed and I've told you what i wanted to ask then you shown me the messages I've sent you. omg, oh my grace, XD i was too nervous, butterflies in stomach, XD well, i don't know what i am feeling that time, what's all in my mind are questions. what is your reaction, what do you feel, are you disturbed, are you leaving me after this, and how about you. then you just asked me to tell what I've said in those messages. O_O kaya ko ba? but i thought that time, i can say those words to you, straight because i am saying those words almost everyday at home, alone. But when i tried, i can't even speak out the first syllable of the first word. wew, then i speak out your name, i thought i can tell you that time, but still i can't. i even tried to kneel down para wala na ako magagawa kundi sabihin na sayo. pro wala pa din. hindi ko akalain, mahirap pla siya sabihin sa harap ng taong dapat mong sabihan nito. maybe it is not hard, maybe i am just too afraid to tell you. cause, you might reject me or you might leave me alone. those are the fears why i can't tell it to you. still maybe, XD dami na kanta, tumugtog and i remained silent and uneasy. sabi mo pa nga antagal, haha.. di ko alam torpe pla ako, :D i even prayed to my rosary just to have strength to speak out. until i have spoken the words that are just for you. i don't know how it sounds like, how i looked like, how i reacted, i just know I've said it. clear po ba? sori, XD  hhaaayyyyy, I have just said it to you, in front of you, directly to you, but.. i thought that was a relief. the feeling i had just became heavier. i just got more confused after that. i can't describe how you feel. you didn't even tell me anything that is relevant to what i just said, haha.. then, those fears are just like monsters attacking me. i can feel them, i thought that was going to happen. it is hard for me to cry in front of anyone but tears started to form in my eyes. I'm too scared and shy that's why. i think i've told you that i rarely cry, but you made me cry easily and you also made me laugh that easy too. you are just so special to me, :D hmm where were we? XD ah, ayun po, kulit mo pa din, yun na lang nagpapalakas ng loob ko kahit hindi mo sinasagot tanong ko, alalang alala na ako at kabang kaba na ako nun po.. you looked at me and i smiled at you, pero plastic ata, haha.. nababaliw na ako eh, then you started asking questions. maybe i can answer them here since i can't speak clearly that night. you asked me what if nawala ako o ikaw. ah, i will stay here right beside you, that is what i really want. haharapin ko lahat huwag ka lang mawala sa tabi ko. ginawa ko na yun di ba po? pinilit kong ibalik lahat ng nawala, inaayos ko lahat ng dapat ayusin, kahit hindi pa lahat. i just can't afford to lose you again. what I'm feeling is something real so i won't let anyone to drag you away from me. hmm, you also asked me what if we fall out. that will never gonna happen. i will treat you as a necessity, parang tulog.. araw araw akong natutulog pero hindi ako nagsasawa, masaya pa nga ako pagmatutulog na eh. pagpagod na ako, hinahanap ko ang tulog. pagwalang magawa, matulog.. ayun, haha.. what i feel for you won't wear off. you are very different from any other, unique, kakaiba, pero yun yung gusto ko sayo. kaya pagnawala ka, magsisi talaga ako, kaya hindi ko na lang hahayaanang mawala ka po, :) may questions ka pa ba po?


ahhh, then we went home, XD i wanted to text you as your van began to move. but, i still can't breathe well so i just ride home and thought of texting you as i arrive. i tried to text you, but i don't know what to say, so humiga ako, pinikit ko mata ko, nagisip, at nakaidlip, haha.. tapos, bumagon na ako, then i texted you normally. and you didn't reply. lalo ako natakot, pro ayun, nagopen ako ng facebook at ayun ka, nakakagaan ng pakiramdam.. we chat a little until we said goodnight to each other. after that, i really feel sick, i can't breathe. i donno why. maybe because i still don't know what you really feel. i'm thinking that, is it right to tell you everything at this point of time? i can't stop thinkin' of that. ah, i don't know what time i slept, well it doesn't matter, haha..

i want to see you today, i'm curious how are you now but i'm still afraid. hindi ka pa ngtetext po eh, nagaalala ako at ntatakot po, hehe.. i have to go, :D at feeling ko po, may lagnat na ako, XD nakakalagnat pala magisip, haha.. ngayon ko lang naranasan lahat lahat lahat ng itong mga nangyayari.. wala man lang kaparehas na pangyayari sa mga panahong ito sa buhay ko before. ayun po, sige.. haha, sori pla nagenglish ako hahaha.. sori kung may wrong grammar ha, wala na time to check eh.. at sori din kasi nobela, haha. pinaiksi ko na yan po, XD comment ka po, :)